Do Not Resist Your Tears

Anger was taking over (I have valid reasons), but it does not change what I was allowing those reasons do to my heart, and thought process. Self-awareness was warning me of how evil I can be, and how dark my world can become when seeking vengeance. I have brought many to their knees, and yet, I don’t remember any type of happiness, nor fulfillment being the outcome. I learned at a really young age to react emotionless as a self-defense mechanism, due to my environment, and toxic relationships. Unfortunately, my mind reverts to numbness/silence/isolation when it feels attacked, or my emotions are out of control, with “control” manifesting itself as the main goal, because way back when, vulnerability was never an option. This literally affects me physically, as I suffer from chronic migraines/nausea/digestive issues/sensitivity to sunlight/lack of sleep/anxiety, and then depression knocks on my internal door smiling at me. Still, I swallow the pain. A stubborn spirit unwilling to share/reflect/let go. I’ll even refuse to write, afraid of what might creep out of my soul. This is when my hazel eyes are greener than ever, and my pupils dilating, as the only proof of self-destruction, of my all ready to explode. I know, because I hold back in the midst of prayer, holding back from the one who sees all (who am I kidding). It’s a toxic cycle, but when I’m hurting, it is also my comfort zone, a state of mind I’m used to, better than dwelling on whoever I’d like to pick apart, dwelling on the extra bad energy I’ll gain, and the blessings I should be protecting. Mad, because sometimes, I don’t want to work on being the best version of me. Sometimes, I fight the urge to unleash the furry on those who I feel deserve it, although (I know), that it is not my job, as I have had to deal with my own consequences, so will they, and I might not see the that day, and the real fight and strength I need is to be okay with that, so that I can move on, and find the peace I have longed for, for so long. As you read this the complications and spiritual battle, understand that in the end, and the reason I’m here typing away right now, is because thank God eventually/subconsciously, and in dire need of it, the first tear sneaked out and soon after many more came rolling down my cheeks, leaving me without time for my thoughts to get in the way. I was able to finally breathe. I’m still in pain, and it is still not fair, but I allowed myself to be vulnerable/human, and so now, my soul can embrace/entertain healing. God Bless.