Quarantine 2020

Every year in the month of December, I reflect on my goals. I highlight the ones I accomplished, thought of the year prior & plan a new strategy for the ones I am still passionate about. Like so many around the world, in December 2019, I sat in front of my computer, as I am doing right now, sipping on a hot cup of tea, motivated, and filled with optimism. Boy, were we hit with a curve ball of traumatizing emotions, called Covid-19! I am a conspiracy theorist, and so, the first thing that came to mind was “okay, so this is how they are going to depopulate us”. what can we do? I believe in the word of God, so I knew God, as always, would protect the weak & blind, from the powers that be. I thought to myself “remain still Beatriz and know the he is God, and in control of everything”. My internal first line of defense against anxiety and depression was to take on 4 classes for the semester, design for new store (coming soon) and continue editing my 2nd book, while trying to aid the mental health of my patients, and caregivers. Writers spend a majority of their time alone, zoned out in a world they create and channel for that creative space, which they can also easily use as an escape, if needed, so I was sure that any type of isolation would never hinder my mental health, boy was I wrong. I am forever grateful with God for still being here to share, for protecting my family, and for forcing me to remember that he, and only he, is in control. I am grateful for the reminder that when it is my time to go, I can’t take anything with me, so my goals could never define my legacy, and the only reflecting I truly need to focus on, is how I can further nourish my relationship with God. However, once I reached such level of awareness, after all the losses in the news, family and friends sick at home, patients and caregivers suffering, the fear of losing my parents, children and grandchildren, I realized, I had not checked in with my own mental health. Slowly, but surely, I no longer had the energy to strive, to go hard for my goals and dreams. I pulled through, only by the mercy of God, but it was my hardest battle yet, because I was struggling with self. As I pushed myself to the limits, in order to highlight some goals off my crazy to-do-list, I forgot to take care of myself. I was not sleeping from anxiety, I was eating everything from depression, taking medication & other substances to keep me going, ignoring the natural energy of exercising, the power of prayer, and even sadder, I stopped writing. Thank God I opened my eyes, mended my heart, crawled out of my inner black hole, allowed myself to cry, regrouped, accepted all consequences, and uplifted my spirit, creating a new healthy drive toward my goals. My list this time around is short, simple, but stronger than ever. 1. God 2. Self care 3. the ones I love 4. the rest is a bonus, and should never upstage 1, 2 & 3.