Consequences

For me, there were and are so many stages to consequences in different eras of my life, and I’m sure the older I get, the more shall be revealed. At first I didn’t really think about the consequences (I mean) thank God I had some form of consciousness, and well, I was taught about God at an early age, so there were times I willingly took a step back, but most of the time in those days, I will be eternally grateful for God’s mercy. Then, I was in denial. There was so much hate/anger/disappointment in my soul, so I refused to take responsibility for the consequences. Growing up wondering who will step up to the plate and take responsibility for my upbringing. Once I realized that no matter what I would be held responsible for my actions/life, I was not a happy camper, and I created a self-defense mechanism called “fuck it”. Everything was “fuck it”, “it’s on me anyways”, so why are you worried about it? Yet, little by little those consequences I was wearing on my chest, with my big girl panties on, were tearing me down. The load was becoming too heavy to carry/swallow/accept/avoid/endure. I learned that doing the same thing over and over expecting different results was insanity, however, I was comfortable hitting the same brick wall, because I understood that type of pain. It had become my comfort zone, but the blows of consequences evolved, they became more hurtful/suffocating/deeper, especially when I cleared my mind from drugs and alcohol (oh boy) did the memories/nightmares of older and more recent consequences come crashing into my soul. They still cause tears at times, but realization also forced me to make some changes in my life. As I made those changes, more and more consequences continued to arise, and I finally understood that before making any decision, I have to think about the consequences. I wish I could add that I have it all figured out now, but with age comes the consequences of health/peace of mind/being mindful of others, and if you’re a parent (stay tuned). The consequences I fear the most, is facing God and having to explain myself, but I’d like to think that he’s looking down at me now thinking “she finally stopped crashing into the same brick wall”, so if you took the time to read, please STOP before any decision, and think about the consequences, and whether or not it will be truly worth it in the end. God Bless.