Choices

Yesterday was hard. It was hard in advance, a week ago I was like “this is going to suck”, especially since this day has been devastating for the past two years. First, my kids father passes away, and as a mother, your children’s pain becomes your own (something out of my control) I can’t fix this for my babies. One of my best decisions as a young mother, was the fact that I never, ever tried to stop any communication/moments between my children and their father, and today that decision means so much more. Aside from that heavy load, in order to be strong for them, I must swallow my pain and hold the tears, at least until they walk away. He was like an annoying brother (family no matter what) an oath taken on many different levels, and one of the unspoken, but engraved in our hearts, was to bicker forever. I have a list now, of going through the devastating truth that you will never see this person you love again, and the most recent on my list “the one and only” I will never see my father again. I thought I was ready to share, and yet, I keep catching myself just spaced out staring at the computer, knowing that if he were here yesterday, I would have called excited for him, and at some point during the day, he’ll receive some random long ass text, or poem, entrusting my words/pain to him. At times, he’d be the only one to somehow hear from me, in a moment of isolation. I thought about isolating yesterday. I struggled with my soul the entire week. Choices, you’d think, they say, you can just choose to do something else little by little until you’re back on track “which track?” My life has been altered again. Sometimes the way you feel inside decides for you, on whether or not you will get out of bed that day, unmotivated, distraught (it hurts to remember). I’m glad this time I was able to fight the demon of depression off, panic attacks, gasping for air, anxiousness on a thousand, but not moving a finger. I am glad I chose to surrender what I was feeling inside to the only one, and even then, my soul took time to allow itself to feel vulnerable, but once the first tear rolled down my cheek, the rest kept coming, and I was even able to surrender my words out loud. It’s not that the pain goes away, but for that moment it feels bearable, I just have to push harder and maintain focused only on his guidance, so I can enjoy the peace I long for, which only he can give (if only, I chose him every moment of every day) but yesterday, when my walls started to crumble, I took those, at times very heavy steps, walked into his home, and surrendered all my thoughts and feelings. My mind wanted to numb. It could have gone many ways. I’m glad I chose you! Thank you God! If you’re reading and going through any grief, stuck in the pain, and desperate to numb “choose God”. God Bless.