Self-Inventory

For my circle of loyal readers: I have poured my soul. Especially these pass months, and within those shares lies “My Favorite Mess”, where I confessed the method to my madness when its time to take everything out, from pictures best left in a safe place, to the note I was never able to throw away. Sometimes I stare at my different piles for a few days, because they reflect the ramblings going on in my mind, when I have stored enough, and can no longer hide the overflow of silent emotions. Maybe I create these piles to have an unavoidable physical visual of the internal mess, because as crazy as those piles would look if someone would pop up, in reality, they are a sign of hope. Every single moment I am forced to set aside, even the ones which allow those tears to run freely, when the piles must become the priority, when my existence depends on it, because the mask of a penciled in smile feels too heavy, when I’m feeling lost, and questioning my steps thus far, as well, as the ones I thought, I should take in the future, at my most vulnerable also comes true surrendering and prayers for peace, acceptance of my past, embracing the flaws, loving every wrinkle and curve, excited for still being a working progress, grateful that God is not done with me yet, smiling at the ugly truth, sending powerful signals of forgiveness, and potential to the little girl inside, as I regroup, organize and put away the memories full of both memorable moment and toxic burdens, I also take the time to ask myself, who am I today? what truly makes me happy? What would I like my legacy to be? Why do I feel lost? Other than grieving, what else is the root of this pain I haven’t been able to shake, or disguise? Why do I feel lost?, because I have excelled so much, but obviously those goals don’t complete me. I can go on and on guys, so I had to put the world, social media, future goals, family, friends, outside opinion etc., to the side, because at times we are our worst enemies, and I have a tendency to find, or create a distraction, just so I don’t have to dig deep. In these moments even writing must be waived, because the rambling causes writers block. The results, however, will be amazing. I never know how long it is going to take, I am a stubborn soul breaded by my upbringing to keep going no matter what, so stopping, even though it’s needed, and it’s for me, is super challenging. I need a fresh start, and I just wanted to remind any reader that identifies with my current situation that sometimes going through the process of a self-inventory may be exactly what you need, and that’s okay! In life we should always be ready to take a break from it all, re-calculate, re-design, and change our minds along the way, in search of the most meaningful discovery (that you are awesome and ready for a new chapter). God Bless.