Memories

It’s all laughter in the beginning. I’m asked a question about something from way back when, or some song comes on, which automatically and uncontrollably brings you back to a specific point in time (a moment) those moments that not only will you never get back, but you can no longer recreate some way, at least the feeling, because that person is no longer here. For a quick second it feels amazing, to be able to play back mentally word by word, to envision each facial expression, something they might have said, may even get you through something you are dealing with today, and it might not hit you that day, but when that curb ball hits (it hurts). Where do you go with so many expecting you to function as usual? What do you do with self when you’d like to literally dig a hole, and hide? I thank God and the rooms that today, I won’t explain my pain to a bottle of Bacardi, or opt for some temporary counterfeit laughter. I know how that will end, and where it can take me, so I do what I can with the memories I can’t shake, I torture myself with certain songs, and if I am lucky (like right now) I blog, just in case someone is out there grieving like me, and has no positive escape at all. Other times I go on a cleaning spree (I still smell like Clorox). I cannot edit in moments like these, because my heart is heavy, my emotions are all over the place, and mind feels cluttered (writers block). If God allows there’s always tomorrow, so I know that I have to just make it through tonight, and (I know) that these are times which only God will truly understand your pain, but (I’m stubborn), so before I give it to God, I drag my heart through the mud indulging in each memory of a time, and people I can never see again. (A positive) I won’t leave my home, I’ll double up on bubble baths (whatever it takes) like that mint hot chocolate I drank earlier with a glazed donut. Anyhow, I’m glad I shared. God Bless.